Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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