now i know why i became what i already was.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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