no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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