I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
