Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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