I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
