I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
