hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
