yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
