Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
