Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
