sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i would punch a child for taco bell
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
