hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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