shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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