Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
