My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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