Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Boobs speak an international language.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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