You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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