It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
