i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
