News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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