I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my phone needs a breathalizer
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
