that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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