The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
try to milk me bitch
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
