My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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