I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
