I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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