worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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