Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
