i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
