btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
