Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
