i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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