dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
