I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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