Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
