I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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