we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
