now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
