yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
