Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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