I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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