So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
