Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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