I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
