soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
