I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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