1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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