I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
