oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I want a musical about memes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
