yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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