my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
