she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
